The Good Life?

         Tess sighed as she closed the small fabric covered book that she had been writing in, her hand tracing the floral pattern on its back.  She had chosen it because of the pretty old fashioned look the cloth cover gave.  It looked like the sort of book a lady would choose to keep her journal in and she loved the faded yellow tint of the pages, just waiting for her pen to stroke them.  It reminded her of the diary in the novel “1984.”

            She felt better now that she had taken the first step.  It was often said that a journey of a thousand miles began with the first step, now all she had to do was keep putting one foot in front of the other until she felt whole again.  One step at a time.  This emptiness inside of her was frightening.  It felt as if she’d been carrying the “whole load” of life’s responsibilities for so long and she was tired, overwhelmingly tired, bone deep tired.  Even before her divorce from Billy six years ago she had carried the load, but never, never had she so longed for someone to share the burden as she did now. 

            The first few years after her separation from Billy had been so filled with adjustment that they had passed very swiftly.  The kids had grown from children to teens and she’d been so busy trying to make their lives better, to achieve something for their benefit that time had flown on past.  Maybe that was the root of her discontent, for in spite of all of her struggles, her determination, they still could barely make ends meet.  As the kids had grown, so had their needs and while they could work part time now and meet some of their own expenses there were still so many things she longed to give them, do for them before it was too late, before they grew up resenting her for all that she had failed to do. 

            When they were babies she had envisioned a ’typical’ middle class childhood for them, complete with braces and ballet classes, a good safe dependable car when they were old enough to drive, college educations after high school, and most of all, a father who would care about these things as well.  Sadly, reality was far removed from her visions.  They seldom heard from Billy, his child support had been sporadic over the years and it took all she earned just to feed them and keep a roof over their heads.  Sometimes she swore her old car ran on prayer and if not for Grant letting Chad drive one of the farm trucks, he wouldn't have a vehicle at all.  They existed paycheck to paycheck and she prayed each night that they all stayed healthy so that there would be no overwhelming medical bills to face. 

            It had been so long since they’d enjoyed a family dinner out, other than fast food occasionally, and she couldn't remember the last time she’d bought a new outfit for herself.  Her clothes were usually hand-me-downs from her sister Becca, or from Patty, Uncle Grant’s wife.  Tressa and Chad bought most of their own clothes now, but whenever she did have anything extra to spend, it always went to meet their needs first.  Now their childhood years were almost over, it was nearly too late, she had failed. 

            When she and Billy had first separated she had tried dating, hoping to find someone to share her life with.  Someone to help carry part of life’s load, or at least someone to listen when she talked about her troubles.  After several awkward dates ranging from dull to total disasters she’d given up on the dating scene and refused to agree to anymore blind dates from well meaning friends.  If being single was the good life, then Tess had somehow missed it.  

            From the stilted conversations of first dates to fending off sexual advances at the end of the evening, there was nothing she enjoyed about casual dating.  She didn’t believe in one night stands or in allowing herself to be picked up by a stranger.  Somehow it all made her feel like a side of beef in a meat market or a good dependable used car on a lot with shiny new sports cars.  She wasn’t a knockout, didn’t have unusually large breasts or shiny blond hair that cascaded down her back, she didn't know how to play the helpless female game and couldn’t promote herself other than honestly. 

            She’d soon learned that men weren't looking for honesty, they wanted sex appeal.  She needed friendship before sex, men just wanted sex.  She liked sincerity, intimacy on an intellectual level before advancing to intimacy on a physical level, men didn't want intimacy at all, they just wanted hot, uncomplicated sex.  She wanted fidelity, a woman shouldn't have to worry about being compared to anyone else when making love with her man.  She wanted a committed relationship, she wanted all the words men hated.  Men weren't looking for any type of relationship, they didn't want closeness and friendship, they didn't long for a soul mate, they wanted freedom, variety, the right to bed whomever they wanted whenever they wanted.  It had been hard accepting these facts at first and like so many things in life, it had come through painful experience. 

            Her only close female friend, Lisa, had recently moved away to Virginia Beach.  She was a hair dresser and they had met just after Tess and Billy had separated.  Though their personalities were complete opposites, she’d been very helpful and supportive during the complications of divorce, having just survived one herself.  Her vibrant, outgoing manner had helped Tess keep her perspective and her bawdy sense of humor had lifted many depressive days. 

            Lisa dated casually, picking up men in bars for ‘recreational’ sex, as she called it.  Tess had drawn the line at joining her on her ‘outings’ and listened in amazement at the stories Lisa shared.  She confided that about half the men she picked up were married, maybe more, but if they didn’t volunteer the information, and many did, she didn’t bother asking.  Her reasoning was that if it wasn’t her, it would be someone else, all men were scum and only good for one thing in Lisa’s opinion.  Her rationalization was that it was just sex, not love and romance. 

            After living with Billy Tess couldn’t understand Lisa’s casualness, she tried to make her see that somewhere on the other side of that one night stand was a woman who had no idea she was married to a creep who couldn’t keep his fly zipped.  Besides, how could she be so casual about something that was anything but?  It had finally become an area where they both agreed to disagree and Lisa carefully omitted certain bits of information when sharing tales of her outings after that. 

            For Tess, sex and intimacy were all tied up together inside and she couldn’t imagine one without the other, nor did she want to.  She didn’t understand how anyone could turn their emotions on and off like that.  Sex was so much more than just the physical joining of two bodies, it was the greatest possible way to say “I care” and without the emotion, the caring and the tenderness, it seemed empty and meaningless.  It seemed wrong to cheapen something so wonderful by sharing it with just anyone who said yes, no matter how great the physical need.  Nor did she believe any human being was truly programmed that way, for to do so reduced one to an animal-istic level.  No matter how much a person might deceive themselves into believing casual sex was un-involved, how could you share something so intimate and personal, so filled with pleasure, with the give and take of that pleasure, and not feel a certain amount of tenderness towards them? 

            Lisa told her that these feelings were just the afterglow of good sex, but if that were true then what a waste to share them with someone you hardly knew and cared about in only the most basic way any human being cares about another.  It all became very empty and meaningless when you looked at it that way, and all life should have meaning.  Life without meaning seemed destructive to the soul and that wasn’t for Tess, some things shouldn’t be cheapened, to do so cheapened life itself.