When you can't trust yourself . . . .

      There had been only once since Billy that Tess had lowered her guard and allowed a man to get close to her emotionally as well as physically.  She had met him at Posterity Studios where she worked as a photographer and a videographer.  He had sold her boss, Ross Mathews, some new equipment that included free set up and training.  Ross had asked her to sit in on the training since after six years of working there, she was now the assistant manager and knew almost as much about his business as he did. 

            The process had taken most of a week and the salesman, Troy, had worked in the field for many years so he truly understood the equipment as well as the field they worked in.  His training was thorough and complete and Tess was surprised to find she enjoyed working with him, as a rule, she found salesmen to be pushy and arrogant.  Troy was charming and attentive in a positive, non-threatening way and had seemed admiring of her intelligence as well as her appearance.  So few men really talked to a woman unless they were working towards the bedroom, so she had been surprised when he sought her opinion and seemed truly interested in what she had to say. 

            By the end of the training she had been as comfortable working with him as she was with Ross, so when he asked her to join him for dinner she hesitated only briefly before accepting.  Even though she had criticized herself for her bubble of excitement, she couldn’t help but hope she might be at the start of something positive in her life. 

            They had gone to one of the best restaurants in town, making her nervous and self conscious and very much aware of her old clothes and worn purse.  He had soon put her at ease, opening doors and holding her chair, as if she were decked out in the latest fashion, carrying a $500 purse instead of one of Becca’s hand-me-downs.  He had been attentive during dinner, listening when she talked and asking just the right questions to draw her out, getting her to reveal far more of herself than she ever  intended.  His replies to her questions had seemed thoughtful and he had shared opinions about life and reaching ones goals that she had always secretly believed but had never voiced for fear of ridicule.  Such as following ones heart, and removing negativity and negative people from your life. 

            They seemed so well suited that even their silences were comfortable and companionable and soon she found herself accepting a second date.  By the third date she knew she was infatuated.  It was scary and exciting all at once, so much so that when he asked her to go away with him for a private weekend she hadn’t hesitated.  Her longing for intimacy with him had surprised her, as had the eagerness she felt to have his body close to hers. 

            The sex has been even more magical than she had imagined, he had been a skilled loved and she was a more than eager pupil, so the intensity  of their love making had literally left her breathless.  By the end of their two days together she knew she was in far, far over her head and in danger of being swept away by emotions she wasn’t yet ready to identify.

            When she arrived for work on Monday Ross had teased her about the bounce in her step, and it was true, she had felt lighter than air.  At lunch time, just as a florist delivered a large bouquet of flowers from Troy the telephone had rang.  Smiling at the sweet message on the card attached to the bouquet she had absentmindedly reached for the phone, and her happiness had shattered like so much broken glass around her feet.  The caller identified herself as Troy’s wife, and that had said it all.  Troy was married and his wife assured her there would be no divorce, Troy was a player and Tess was just the latest in a long string of affairs. 

            “You can keep seeing him until he tires of you if you want, but don’t think it’s ever going anywhere,” she informed Tess before hanging up. 

            Tess had slowly lowered the phone to the cradle before tossing the flowers into the trash.  One look at her face and Ross had sent her home for the day, where she’d sat in a bubble bath and cried until there were no more tears and her fingers were wrinkled, the water long since gone cold.  How could she have been so stupid?  How could she have allowed herself to fall so easily?  Her self confidence had shattered along with  her heart, after all, if you couldn’t trust yourself, who could you trust?

            Troy had called just as darkness arrived and she had silently listened to his pleadings, begging her forgiveness, swearing that his marriage was a sham.  He swore they were actually separated but she refused to let go.  “Just please give me some time,” he pleaded, but Tess had quietly hung up the phone, and then disconnected it from the wall so he couldn’t call back. 

            He had lied to her, allowed her to believe they were at the start of something, but how could he begin something new when he hadn’t yet closed the door on his past?  Maybe if he had been honest from the beginning she might have taken a chance, but by finding out this way she felt too betrayed to ever trust him openly again. 

            He had been persistent, calling so frequently she had finally gotten an unlisted phone number.  Ross prevented him from seeing her at the studio and she had returned his gifts and cards unopened until eventually he had given up.

            Slowly she had gone forward and put it behind her, or at least she was able to pretend that she had recovered, but inside her confidence was gone while her heart still ached.  It would have been better to have never known what she was missing than to taste it knowing it could never be hers.  Her heart now ached for closeness, her body too, but no longer trusting her ability to recognize the right person, she closed the door to her heart and soul and focused on her work and her kids. 

            She spent five days a week at the studio and did outside jobs on the weekends, taping weddings and photographing special events.  The extra money was welcome and it left her too busy to miss what she didn’t have, or at least it had until recently.  But lately when families came in for portraits or she went to tape a graduation or a wedding and she saw loving couples living in nice homes with all of the trappings, standing proudly with their children, children who were sheltered and loved by both parents, her heart ached.  It was hard not to be envious, why couldn’t that be her with her children?  Why was it that no man had ever wanted to “take care” of her?  She realized this was an antiquated idea, women could take care of themselves; but it would have been nice to have someone to lean on occasionally. 

            But she tried hard not to dwell on the things she didn’t have so she constantly reminded herself to look for the positive.  After all, she had chosen this course, she had opened the door and walked through and it was too late to go back and walk the path not taken or change the outcome of her decisions. 

            “I am at this moment the sum of all my past decisions,” Tess whispered to herself.  And all that she could do at this point was to continue to move forward.  She would find a way to heal the aches, the hurts, a way to fill the emptiness in her soul, a way to unlock the pain and let it all out until she felt whole again.